( mystical theme playing )
( Imam praying )
( people chattering indistinctly )
Listen to me!
Killing a few hostages is not sufficient.
The Americans must be made to suffer.
We must humiliate them!
You do not go far enough, General Amin.
We must rip their entrails out
and drag them from here to Damascus
until they include us in the peace process.
No! Nonsense!
This solution is not bold enough for Libya.
I say wipe out Washington and New York.
What? And spoil three years of good public relations!
I have the Americans believing I am a nice guy.
In some of their polls,
I am more popular than their president.
( all chattering )
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
This is getting us nowhere.
If we do nothing else this week,
we must conceive at least one terrorist act
that will show all the world
that the United States, the great satan,
is but a paper tiger,
a weak nation of weak people!
A people ripe for destruction!
Cowards, no longer willing to fight!
( heat hissing ) Argh!
( gasping )
( dramatic theme playing )
( squeaking )
I knew it!
( ululates )
MAN: Get the American!
( screams )
Ooh-ow!
MAN: Hey, who are you?
I'm Lieutenant Frank Drebin, police squad.
And don't ever let me catch you guys in America. Oh!
( Frank yells )
( siren wailing )
( jazzy theme playing )
Hey!
Oh! Watch out! Whoa!
Watch out!
( tires squealing )
( all screaming )
( people screaming )
( service bell dings )
( suspenseful theme playing )
MAN 1 ( on listening device ): Thirty-eight, 39, 40. It's all here.
MAN 2: This completes our first shipment of heroin--
One hundred percent pure.
MAN 3: Yeah, it better be, all 40 kilos.
MAN 2: Final shipment will be delivered in three days.
Then we'll expect payment.
MAN 3: Don't worry.
( suspenseful theme swelling )
Police! Throw down your guns!
( door opens )
( ominous theme playing )
Kill him.
Agh!
( sizzling ) Aah!
Oh, no!
Aah!
REPORTER: It's a great day for Americans everywhere.
This man is loved...
( people chattering )
Look! I think that's his plane!
( women squealing )
He takes a typical airline dinner.
There he is!
( women squealing )
No, no flowers, thank you.
Welcome home, Frank. Good work in Beirut.
We all heard what you did. Thank you, Ed.
I just want to know one thing.
Is it true what you wrote me about Victoria?
I'm afraid so, Frank.
She just ran off with some guy.
They got married last week.
Then it's over. It's all over. All of this is meaningless.
I did it for her.
I did everything for her,
and now she's gone.
And you, you came down here to get the hot story, didn't you?
Pictures of me to sell your lousy newspapers.
Uh, Frank-- Sure, you think I'm a big hero.
The man of the hour.
Well, do any of you understand
how a man can hurt inside?
Frank, Frank--
They're not here for you.
Weird Al Yankovic is on the plane.
( women squealing )
What about the wedding? What was she wearing?
Don't torture yourself, Frank.
Just put her out of your mind.
I can't get her out of my mind.
What about the guy?
You know anything about him?
Not much.
Just that he's an Olympic gymnast,
and it's the best sex she's ever had.
( metal crunches )
I trusted her,
followed my heart, foolishly, it seems.
Just gonna have to learn to forget.
That's why I took my vacation in Beirut,
to get her out of my mind,
to find some peace.
It's not going to be easy.
Everywhere I look,
something reminds me of her.
Maybe it's just that cops and women don't mix.
What about Nordberg?
I came as soon as I heard.
He's alive, Frank, though he's on life support.
Doctors say he's got a 50-50 chance of living,
though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.
( clanging )
( monitors beeping )
Mrs. Nordberg,
I think we can save your husband's arm.
Where would you like it sent?
Oh, Frank, I'm so glad you came.
Wilma, it's good to see you.
I came as soon as I heard.
Thank you, Frank. You bet.
Where's Nordberg? He's right here, Frank.
Right.
Nordberg, it's me, Frank, your buddy.
Aah!
I'll get it. Wait a minute.
Oh!
Get the switch on the bottom of the bed!
( groaning )
Nordberg?
It's me-- Frank.
Now who did this to you?
I...love you.
I love you too, Nordberg.
Who were they?
Ship. Boat.
That's right, Nordberg, a boat.
When you're better,
we'll go sailing together on a boat.
We'll take a cruise just like last year.
No. Drugs.
Hey, nurse, give this man some drugs.
Quick! Can't you see he's in pain?
Give him a shot. Quickly. No. No. Heroin!
Heroin, Frank!
Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order.
You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.
( Wilma sobbing )
Oh, oh, my poor Nordberg.
He was such a good man, Frank.
He never wanted to hurt anyone.
Who would do such a thing?
Well, it's hard to tell.
Could be a roving gang of thugs,
a blackmailer, an angry husband,
a gay lover.
( Wilma wails ) Frank, get a hold of yourself.
A good cop...
Needlessly cut down and ambushed
by some cowardly hoodlum.
That's no way for a man to die.
FRANK: Yeah, you're right, Ed.
A parachute not opening-- That's a way to die.
Getting caught in the gears of a combine,
having your nuts bit off by a Laplander--
That's the way I wanna go.
( Wilma sobbing )
Oh, Frank!
Oh! This is terrible!
Don't you worry, Wilma.
Your husband is going to be all right.
Don't you worry about anything.
Just think positive.
Never let a doubt enter your mind.
He's right, Wilma,
but I wouldn't wait until the last minute
to fill out those organ donor cards.
( Wilma sobbing )
What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma,
as soon as Nordberg is better,
he's welcome back at police squad.
Unless he's a drooling vegetable.
But I think that's only common sense.
( wails )
Wilma, can you think of any reason
that Nordberg was at the waterfront last night?
No...
But I found this at home...
in a drawer.
A photograph.
I Luv You, out of Caracas.
A Panamanian ship.
Frank, when Nordberg said "I love you,"
he was telling you the name of the ship.
I realize that...
now.
We'd better check this out.
I want every available man on this.
I can't spare anybody, Frank.
You know we're in charge of security
for Queen Elizabeth's visit. I'm short-handed already.
Wilma, I promise you, whatever scum did this,
not one man on this force will rest
for one minute until he's behind bars.
Now let's grab a bite to eat.
Yeah, come on, Wilma.
...that due to the extraordinary efforts
of some of our civic leaders,
Queen Elizabeth has included the city of Los Angeles
as one of the three cities she will visit
during her American tour.
Mayor Barkley, will the city hire additional
security officers for the police force
during the Queen's visit?
We have placed the Queen's security
in the hands of police squad,
a special division of the police department,
represented here today by Lieutenant Frank Drebin.
( applause )
Thank you, Your Honor.
Protecting the safety of...
Louder!
( microphone static crackles )
Here, you can use my radio mic.
Thank you.
( coughs )
( snorts )
Thank you, Your Honor.
Protecting the safety of the Queen is a task
that's gladly accepted by police squad,
for no matter how silly the idea
of having a queen might be to us,
as Americans, we must be gracious
and considerate hosts.
( applause )
Thank you, Lieutenant Drebin.
Of course, we all have a stake
in seeing that this portion
of the Queen's American goodwill tour
is completed successfully,
and we can all take pride that the Queen has chosen
our city-- ( zipper unzips )
( urine splashing )
( Frank grunting and sighing )
Indeed, it-it is for all the people...
( urinating continues ) ...who will be able to share ( urinating continues ) ...who will be able to share
in the, uh, celebration...
( Frank grunts )
Especially...
( Frank humming )
will be the Queen's... public appearances.
( humming and urinating )
♪ River... ♪
♪ La-da-dum ♪
♪ Hmm-hmm-mmph ♪ ( splashing ) ♪ Hmm-hmm-mmph ♪ ( splashing )
( dripping )
( dripping stops ) Um, we also would like--
( loud splashing, humming )
( whistling )
( heavy splashing )
( splattering ) FRANK: Whoops!
Uh-oh.
( grunting )
( farting )
( Frank singing )
( jazzy theme playing )
FRANK: Ed and I drove down to the docks
where Nordberg had been found
floating face-down in the water.
In a case where there are no leads,
you have to start somewhere,
and that somewhere was the harbor area.
OFFICER ( on bullhorn ): Please disperse.
There's nothing for you to see here.
Keep moving.
Where'd they find Nordberg at?
Right out there, Frank. You want to take a dinghy?
No, no, I took care of that at the press conference.
It doesn't make sense, you know.
Good policeman, bright future--
Something like this happens.
He was found by the night watchman.
We better do some checking around.
I'm gonna talk to the harbormaster.
I'll walk around the docks, take a snoop.
Yeah?
Lieutenant Drebin, police squad.
Oh, I remember you, Drebin. What do you want?
I wanna ask you some questions.
Are you familiar with that face?
I don't know. My memory ain't so great.
Oh, yeah?
Maybe this'll refresh your memory.
I don't know, it's still kinda hazy.
How about this? Yeah, I remember him.
Why do you wanna know?
I can't tell you that.
Well, maybe this'll help.
I really don't think I should.
Yeah, you still don't think so?
All right, his name is Nordberg. He's a cop.
He was no cop, he was dealin' H.
What?! I'm tellin' you, he was dirty.
Oh, you sniveling scum.
I oughta run you in right now.
All right, he worked at Ludwig Shipping.
He tried to push something on one of my boys, I swear it.
What are you gonna do about it, copper?
Why should I tell you?
Maybe this'll help.
I still don't think I should tell you.
Can you spot me a 20? How about now?
All right. I'm going down to Ludwig's office.
I'll find out if you're telling the truth.
( jazzy theme playing )
FRANK: Vincent Ludwig presided over
one of the largest corporations in the city.
A respected businessman and civic leader,
the mayor had chosen him to be the chairman
of the Queen's reception committee,
and now I was getting ready to question him
about drugs and attempted murder
on his own docks.
Mr. Ludwig?
Yes?
Lieutenant Drebin to see you, sir.
Show him in.
Lieutenant.
The feeling is mutual.
Nice to meet you too.
Uh, Cuban?
Uh, no. Dutch-Irish.
My father was from Wales.
Oh.
Uh, sit down.
A magnificent office you have here, Mr. Ludwig.
Thank you, thank you, lieutenant.
Most of the objects in this room I have collected
over a period of many years.
A Gainsborough, Ming vases...
Priceless.
They are objects
which I feel reflect my personality,
like the Japanese fighting fish.
Beautiful, graceful, elegant,
yet single-minded of purpose
and deadly when it finds what it wants.
This particular one is valued at over $20,000.
A luxury item, to be certain,
but as you can see,
I am a man who appreciates the finer things in life.
Oh, this.
This is a rare samurai pen,
a gift from Emperor Hirohito.
Unbreakable. Impervious to everything but water.
Its value is beyond estimation.
That's fascinating.
But I'm sure you didn't pay me this visit
to hear a lecture on fine art, lieutenant.
To what do I owe the honor?
I'm investigating the attempted murder
of one of your dockworkers,
a man named Nordberg,
a police officer.
He's still alive, then?
He was shot six times.
Fortunately, the bullets missed every vital organ,
and the salt water preserved him until he was found.
So they were able to--
So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Yes. He's in the intensive care ward
at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.
Well, this certainly comes as a shock to me, lieutenant.
But as you know, I am not the kind of man
who takes this type of thing lightly.
There is no room in my organization...
( snap ) ( yells softly ) ( snap ) ( yells softly )
...for any type of criminal activity.
Look out there.
A vast commercial development built by me.
Do you have any idea
what was out there just five years ago?
Yah!
You bet you do-- Orange groves,
acres of them, as far as the eye could see.
But now, of course, that land
is able to generate ten times
the amount of profit per square foot.
( squelches )
Are you all right, lieutenant?
Let me get you some Kleenex.
Has this officer--
Uh, what's his name-- Nordberg?
Been able to tell you anything?
Uh... Well, of course,
he hasn't been able to tell us a thing so far,
but as soon as he regains consciousness...
We'll see if he can still play guitar.
I beg your pardon?
I've taken up too much of your time already.
I'd like to look at your employment records now
and speak to someone in personnel,
if you don't mind, of course.
Of course.
( line buzzes ) Dominique,
will you please send in Miss Spencer?
Yes, sir.
As you know, I am quite busy
making last-minute arrangements
for the royal visit.
I'll have my assistant provide you with anything you need.
You've been very cooperative.
I'll make a note of that in my report.
My pleasure.
Ah, Miss Spencer,
this is Lieutenant Frank Drebin
from police squad.
Hello, Mr. Drebin.
Hello.
( jazzy theme playing )
Aah!
( Jane thudding )
FRANK: Her hair was the color
of gold in old paintings.
She had a full set of curves
and the kind of legs you'd like to suck on for a day.
She was giving me a look I could feel in my hip pocket.
Yep...
This was starting to get interesting.
Nice beaver.
Thank you.
I just had it stuffed.
Let me help you with that.
This should be what you're looking for, lieutenant--
Shipping and employment records for pier 32.
Thank you.
I've heard police work is dangerous.
It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
I used to have that problem.
What did you do about it?
I just think about baseball.
Hey, that's a honey of an ankle bracelet you have there.
Oh, did it slip down there again?
Yes, well...
I'll go through this as fast as I can
and get them back to you tomorrow maybe.
That would be fine... But there's no rush.
I mean, whenever you're through.
Thank you.
I wish there was some way I could repay you. Uh...
How about dinner?
I know this little out-of-the-way place
that serves great Viking food.
That's quite a tempting offer, lieutenant,
but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get my rest this evening,
tomorrow being Arbor Day and all.
Oh, of course. Well, perhaps some other time.
How about a rain check?
Well, let's just stick to dinner.
Thank you for your help, Miss Spencer.
My pleasure.
Well?
Oh, Mr. Ludwig! You startled me.
I'm sorry, my dear.
I just wanted to know if you got
the lieutenant what he wanted.
Yes, I gave him copies of the files for pier 32.
Good. That's good.
He's an intriguing fellow,
this Lieutenant Drebin
don't you think?
Oh, well, I don't know.
I've only just met him. He seems very nice.
Jane, I realize this is an unusual request,
but if there is something illegal
going on in this company,
I need to know everything about it
so we can root out any wrongdoers.
That's why I want you to, well,
to get to know Lieutenant Drebin a little better,
find out what he knows.
Mr. Ludwig, don't you think
this is best handled by the police?
But we are letting the police handle it, my dear,
but this company needs to know the facts quickly
before anything gets into the newspapers.
Don't forget,
I have a responsibility to the stockholders.
Well... If you put it that way, I mean, I--
Yes, I'll do my best.
That's better.
I'm sure you will.
( suspenseful theme plays )
( suspenseful theme turns jazzy )
FRANK: It was about 4 p.m.
when I returned to police squad.
I figured to stop by and see what the lab boys
had come up with on Nordberg's jacket,
the one they'd found on the docks.
You can tell a lot from fiber samples
if they aren't too wet,
and I was hoping in this case we wouldn't come up dry.
Hey, look out!
Police! Halt!
( screaming )
Anybody catch the license plate?
Anybody get a look at the driver?
WOMAN: Get out of the way!
Uh, take the names of everybody here for questioning.
Uh, I got to get, uh...
inside.
MAN: Did you see what happened?
Hi, Ed, Ted, you got those fiber samples?
Shh, we got some action here. What's up? Shh, we got some action here. What's up?
TED: We're testing that new anti-graffiti wall.
FRANK: Looks like we've got a few customers.
It's set to react when the spray hits the sensors.
You guys are crazy...
( all yelling )
You've done it again. Mazel tov.
Good work, Ted. What will you lab boys think up next?
Now that you mention it,
here's something we developed only yesterday.
To the casual observer, an ordinary shoe.
But, in actuality...
It makes quite a handy weapon.
And everything a cop in the field would need.
We call it the Swiss Army shoe.
That's great, Ted. What about the fiber samples?
Let me just show you one more thing, Frank.
Do you see these cuff links I'm wearing?
They're not just cuff links.
Each one fires a single pin-sized dart
that knocks out your victim for a few minutes,
but does no permanent damage.
Here, let me demonstrate on Ed. Yeah?
Ted...
Why?
Don't worry. He'll be up and around in no time.
Why don't you take a pair, Frank?
Well, actually I could use another pair of cuff links.
Good. I think you'll like them.
You want this, chief?
Yes, thank you, Al.
You've got something on the side of your mouth, Al.
No, no, the other side.
As you requested, Frank,
we took some fiber samples from Nordberg's jacket.
I'm afraid it doesn't look good.
What do you mean?
Take a look for yourself.
I-I can't see anything.
Use your open eye, Frank.
Oh, yeah, I can see it now.
At first glance, it would appear to be
only the normal cotton fibers.
But when we focused in closer we discovered
a fine white powder. ( glass breaks )
We tested it. Pure heroin.
How well do you know Nordberg, Frank?
We were partners for nine years, and he's my best friend.
I know, Frank, but we can't allow
personal feelings to get in the way of duty.
Are you saying that Nordberg is--
I'm telling you the Queen arrives here
the day after tomorrow.
If the press should pick this up
with Nordberg still part of the force,
it could be embarrassing to the police and the city.
I'm sorry, Frank,
I'm giving you 24 hours to clear Nordberg.
( ominous theme playing )
Mr. Ludwig?
Yes?
A Mr. Pahpshmir is here.
Show him in.
Is there something wrong, Mr. Ludwig?
No, no, no. It's nothing.
Then may we get down to business?
Certainly. Please have a seat.
I can carry out your request.
My price is $20 million.
Price is not a problem.
But there is some concern
on the part of those I represent
that you would be able to complete
so difficult a task.
( scoffs )
Tell me, Mr. Pahpshmir,
in all the world,
who is the most effective assassin?
Well, I would think anyone who manages
to conceal his identity as an assassin.
Yes...
But there is even a more ideal assassin.
( phone buzzes )
One who doesn't know he's an assassin.
Care for some tea?
Yes, please.
Dominique, service for two, please.
( beeping )
( ominous theme playing )
I must kill Pahpshmir.
( clicking )
( beeps )
Will that be with cream and sugar, sir?
Mr. Pahpshmir?
Cream only, please.
Oh, there's a gun on the floor, sir.
Oh, just leave it there.
It's all right, Dominique. The tea, please.
Of course.
Tell me, Mr. Pahpshmir,
have you ever seen sensory-induced hypnosis?
I think I just have.
But how will you get her near the target?
Oh, I doubt whether it will be her.
Good secretaries
are so hard to find these days.
And it seems to me...
anyone...
can be an assassin.
( suspenseful theme playing )
FRANK: I had 24 hours to come up with something
that would clear my good friend's name.
I decided to return to the hospital
with Ludwig's shipping records
to see if I could jog Nordberg's memory.
Oh, Dr. Alford, I have Mrs. Kepley's chart
if you're ready to go over it.
I'll be with you when I finish with Mr. Nordberg.
Yes, doctor.
( ominous theme playing )
( beeps )
Have you out of here in a couple of--
( beeping )
I'd like to see Officer Nordberg.
All right, I'll need you to sign in--
Wait a minute. Where's the police officer
who was on guard at that door?
Oh, Lieutenant Drebin called and sent him home.
Lieutenant Drebin?
I must kill Nordberg.
Drebin, police squad!
Let go of that pillow!
Aah!
Unh!
( groaning )
Agh!
( horn honks ) Hey! Hey!
Medical emergency!
( car honks )
Drebin, police squad!
Follow that black car!
The car! Follow that car!
All right, Stephanie, check your mirror.
Signal.
Now pull into traffic.
Try and ease off on the brake.
Give it a little gas.
I know a short cut. Turn left here.
There he is! INSTRUCTOR: Easy.
Aah!
Turn right! Follow him to the right!
It's okay. Normally, you would not be going 65
down the wrong way of a one-way street.
( honking )
Oh!
Apply the brakes.
Now put it in reverse.
You dumb broad!
All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm.
Extend your middle finger.
Very good. Well done.
There he is!
Go for it, Stephanie.
( inhales deeply )
( honking )
Aah!
( screaming )
Oh, no!
( people exclaiming )
Excuse me. Excuse me.
All right, move on! Nothing to see here!
Please disperse!
Nothing to see here! Please!
FRANK: The attempt on Nordberg's life
left me shaken and disturbed.
And all the questions kept coming up
over and over again,
like bubbles in a case of club soda.
Who was this character in the hospital?
Why was he trying to kill Nordberg?
And for whom?
Did Ludwig lie to me?
I didn't have any proof, but somehow
I didn't entirely trust him, either.
Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records?
And if it was, did he know about it?
And if he didn't, who did?
( animals chittering )
And where the hell was I?
It was almost midnight when I got to my door.
I just wanted a glass of Bosco
and then slip under my blankets.
But my night was just about to begin.
( suspenseful theme playing )
( grunts )
You're late.
That depends on what I'm late for.
You said we should have dinner sometime.
Tonight became... sometime.
I'm boiling a roast.
How hot and wet do you like it?
Very hot...
And awfully wet.
You seem to know your way around the kitchen.
I'm just as handy in other rooms of the house.
That shirt looks familiar.
It's yours.
I didn't want to get stained or wrinkled,
at least...
not yet.
Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?
There...
That's better.
I hope you brought your appetite.
I brought everything.
Well, then...
dig in.
( thunder rumbling )
Hmm, interesting.
Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.
I was young. I needed the work.
No, no. They were taken down at Ludwig's docks.
A ship came in, a Panamanian ship.
It wasn't on Ludwig's records.
Probably an oversight.
How's your, um...
meat?
You be the judge of that.
Mmm.
( chuckles )
Mmm. I've got nine more.
Have you seen that ship?
I don't know. It doesn't look like one of ours.
But then again, we deal with so many ships.
Has officer Nordberg been able to tell you anything?
No. Unfortunately,
there was another attempt on his life.
He's back in a coma.
Oh, that's terrible.
This world is such a violent place.
If it wasn't, I'd be out of a job.
Be back on the circuit riding motocross.
But I'd give it all up tomorrow
to live in a world without crime.
That's beautiful.
This is all happening too fast.
( sighs ) I've...been hurt before.
I'm sorry.
I'd known her for years.
We used to go to all the police functions together.
Oh, how I loved her.
But she had her music.
I think she had her music.
She hung out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony.
I don't recall her playing an instrument
or being able to carry a tune,
yet she was on the road 300 days out of the year.
In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas.
She asked me what it was.
It's the same old story.
Boy finds girl, boy loses girl,
girl finds boy, boy forgets girl,
boy remembers girl...
Girl dies in a tragic blimp accident
over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Goodyear?
No, the worst.
You poor dear.
( romantic theme playing )
Now, now.
I don't want to upset you.
Oh, Frank, it's not that.
Why did you have to be so wonderful?
There's something I ought to tell you. No.
No need to tell me anything.
What's in the past, it doesn't matter, anyway.
Maybe...
Maybe we're just two lonely souls
who have found each other.
Funny face.
( romantic theme swells )
I want you to know, I...
practice safe sex.
So do I.
( Herman's Hermits' "I'm into Something Good" playing )
♪ Woke up this morning Feelin' fine ♪
♪ Had something special On my mind ♪
♪ Last night, I met a new girl In the neighborhood ♪
♪ Whoa, yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ She's the kind of girl Who's not too shy ♪
♪ And I can tell I'm her kind of guy ♪
♪ 'Cause she danced Close to me ♪
♪ Like I hoped she would ♪ ♪ She danced with me ♪
♪ Like I hoped she would ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Like I hoped she would ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ Ahh, ahh ♪
♪ I walked her home And she held my hand ♪
♪ I knew it wouldn't be Just a one-night stand ♪
♪ So I asked To see her next week ♪
♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ I asked to see her ♪
♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ Whoa, yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ I'm into something good ♪
♪ Oh, yeah Something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
I had a wonderful day, Frank.
I can't believe we just met yesterday.
You really mean that, Jane?
You're not just saying it
because we exchanged bodily fluids?
No, I really mean it. You're very special.
Can I interest you in a nightcap?
No, thank you. I don't wear them.
Actually, I'm on duty. We're on stakeout tonight.
But I'll be thinking about you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay.
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
Good night.
♪ Oh, yeah Something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ Into something good Something good ♪
♪ Something good... ♪
FRANK: I'm telling you, Ed,
the answer's up there in Ludwig's office.
Call it what you will-- A hunch, woman's intuition.
Ludwig knows a lot more than he's telling us.
A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank.
Where are your hard facts?
Look, he's the only one outside of ourselves
who knew that Nordberg was still alive.
Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off
in the hospital.
That may be...
But breaking into Ludwig's office--
You're taking a big chance.
I know.
You take a chance getting up in the morning
crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.
Look. There he is.
All right, just trust me on this, Ed.
I know I'm right.
Okay, but be careful.
You get a good night's sleep.
I'll see you in the morning.
Mmph. Mmph.
( suspenseful theme playing )
Bingo.
( ragtime music playing )
( suspenseful theme resumes )
"20 million deposited, Omani Bank, Zurich,
upon proof of Queen's death"?
( exclaiming )
( ragtime music playing )
( glass shattering )
Ah! Ah!
Oh!
Oh?
( suspenseful theme playing )
( sirens wailing )
( Klaxon sounds ) Aah!
( Klaxon sounds ) Aah! ( Klaxon sounds ) Aah!
Oh, oh...
Oh!
Aah!
( screaming )
( creaking )
( screams )
( gasps )
( screaming )
MAYOR: Entering without a search warrant,
destroying property, arson,
sexual assault with a concrete dildo.
What the hell were you doing there
in the first place? Yes. Yes, I know.
I'm sorry about that, Your Honor,
but we have reason to believe that Vincent Ludwig
is involved in a plot to assassinate the Queen.
That's ridiculous!
Where is this evidence?
Well, it...
burned in the fire.
Gentlemen...
Vincent Ludwig is one of the most respected
members of this community,
and if we're all very nice to him,
he will agree not to press charges.
Your Honor... Did I make myself clear? Your Honor... Did I make myself clear?
Yes, Your Honor, very clear. Good day.
Oh, Drebin.
I don't want any more trouble
like you had last year on the south side.
Understand?
That's my policy.
Yes, well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas
stabbing a guy in the middle of the park
in full view of 100 people,
I shoot the bastards, that's my policy.
That was a Shakespeare in the Park production
of Julius Caesar, you moron.
You killed five actors.
Good ones. Your Honor--
Drebin, your presence at the Queen's reception tonight
will not be necessary.
Is that understood?
We understand, Your Honor.
Thank you. Heh-heh.
( jazzy theme playing )
BOB ( on radio ): ...and the plane has taxied to a stop.
They're rolling out the steps
and any minute now, we expect the doors to open.
And we'll get our first glimpse of the Queen, Ken,
as she begins her first visit
to the Los Angeles area in over five years.
KEN: That's right, Bob, and it's a balmy,
beautiful evening for it too.
She'll be going straight from here
to a formal reception hosted by the mayor...
( doorbell rings )
( radio clicks )
Jane. Frank. Jane. Frank.
I'm just making some dinner. Are you hungry?
Well... Maybe just a bite.
I just talked to Vincent Ludwig,
he wanted me to ask you to meet him tonight.
Jane, I think there's something you should know.
I was up in Vincent Ludwig's place last night.
Oh, how nice! Did he show you
his priceless collection of Ming vases
and those rare oil paintings? What about--
Jane, I think that Vincent Ludwig is involved
in a number of criminal activities.
Oh, Frank, stop it.
Vincent Ludwig is a well-respected,
generous, kind man.
It's just too bad you don't know him like I do.
Oh, yeah, and how's that?
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm...sorry.
I'm worried about you.
I don't trust him, and I don't want you
getting mixed up in anything dangerous.
Wong Wu's? They back in business?
I thought they closed down three years ago.
Gee, has it been that long?
I don't feel like Chinese tonight, anyway.
( inhales deeply )
Uhh...
It's sweet of you to be concerned about me,
but you're wrong about Vincent Ludwig.
He's such a gentleman, and he's so generous.
He just wants to have a talk with you
to clear up any doubts that you might have about him.
When? Tonight.
He wants you to meet him at the 7th Street stockyards
near the 53rd Street entrance.
All right, but you promise me you'll be careful.
Of course I will, funny face, for you.
Oh, I got to go. I'll see you tomorrow.
Are you sure you won't have something to eat?
( suspenseful theme playing )
( mooing )
Ludwig?
MAN: Drebin?
Yeah, I'm Drebin.
I have a message for you from Vincent Ludwig.
Take that, you lousy scum!
I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
Don't fire the gun while you're talking.
( clicking )
All right...
Put your gun down and your hand up.
( man gurgles )
( jazzy theme playing )
Matthews, stake out that end.
Adcock, check for anyone suspicious-looking.
Ed! Frank, what are you doing here?
I just came from the stockyards,
trading shots with one of Ludwig's goons.
They're planning on doing it tonight, Ed, here.
That's why they were trying to knock me off.
Right. We'd better be on the lookout.
Right. Excuse me, ma'am. Security.
( wand whirring ) ( exclaiming )
What's the meaning of this?
All right, all right, just relax, take it easy.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Hey, I didn't do anything.
Oh, yeah? Well, how about this?
You think we were born yesterday?
You didn't do anything, huh?
I got rights!
Look, Ed.
He's got a picture of your wife.
Ethel.
All right. Anyone else here seeing his wife?
That's all right. That's okay, Frank.
Let's get in the hall.
Are you enjoying yourself, my dear?
Oh, Mr. Ludwig, I'm so excited to be here.
I really do appreciate your inviting me.
Oh, the pleasure is all mine, my dear,
and perhaps afterwards, we can--
Drebin. Frank.
You're both right. Surprised to see me, Mr. Ludwig?
This is not the time or place to talk.
It's way past the time we talked.
The gloves are off. I'm playing hardball, Ludwig.
It's fourth and 15,
and you're looking at a full-court press.
Mr. Drebin, if you have evidence, then use it.
If not, I am warning you, get off my back,
or I promise you, it will cost you dearly.
Frank, what's wrong?
A lot of things, sweetie pie.
A little meeting that turned into
a peek-a-boo session with bullets
all set up by someone who's been playing me
like a violin at the annual saps convention.
Funny face, I don't know what you're talking about.
My stockyard meeting, butterwings.
Or don't you remember setting that up?
But Mr. Ludwig said you called the meeting off.
Believe me, I-- Hum me another one, Believe me, I-- Hum me another one,
snooky lumps.
Frank, it's the truth.
It's true what they say--
Cops and women don't mix.
It's like eating a spoonful of Drano.
Sure, it'll clean you out,
but it'll leave you hollow inside.
Too bad, sugar puff.
We could have been something.
I was only doing what I was told to do.
Like make love to me? Frank! Like make love to me? Frank!
That only makes things easier, princess.
To think I trusted you.
I made a big mistake.
Here. You take this back.
Whose is that?
Doesn't matter. MAN: Hey, watch it!
Take care of yourself, baby.
By the way...
I faked every orgasm.
Oh, funny face.
( applause )
And to commemorate our friendship,
the city of Los Angeles
is proud to present to the royal family
this revolutionary war musket
generously donated by Mr. Vincent Ludwig.
Ladies and gentlemen,
her royal highness...
Queen Elizabeth II.
( playing fanfare )
( Elizabeth screams )
( gasps )
Get security in here!
ED: It's disgusting the way they splash this stuff
all over the newspapers.
What is journalism coming to?
You're laying on top of the Queen
with her legs wrapped around you
and they call that news.
They can't kick you off the force, Frank.
It's just not fair!
Now, now, Ed, life isn't always fair.
Just think, the next time I shoot someone,
I could be arrested.
Hey... Look at that.
The missing evidence in the Kelner case.
My God, he was innocent.
He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.
Well... What's the use?
What good are these damn awards and citations?
Frank, uh... Twenty years-- Frank, uh... Twenty years--
Frank, that's not your desk.
JANE: Frank! Jane!
I've been looking all over for you.
What are you doing here,
running another errand for your boyfriend?
I tried to call you last night. I even went by your place.
Where were you? I was out walking-- All night.
Frank, you got to listen to me.
I have important information for you.
Please believe me. Vincent Ludwig and I,
there was never anything between us.
He likes East German men.
And what about you?
I like cops.
All right! Hey, hey! All right! Hey, hey!
Settle down. Take it easy.
What have you got?
I overheard Ludwig after the banquet.
You were right all along, Frank.
Ludwig is planning to have someone assassinate the Queen!
Where? At the baseball game.
The Queen will be there this afternoon as a guest of Ludwig.
I'm supposed to be with them.
Are you telling us that Vincent Ludwig
is going to just shoot the Queen in front of 60,000 fans?
No. He said a player's going to do it,
during the 7th-inning stretch.
That game starts in 20 minutes.
I better get down there right away.
I'll go with you.
No, it's best you stay with Ludwig.
That way, we won't arouse any suspicion.
Right. Okay, let's go.
Wait! Listen!
I've gotten you guys into enough trouble already.
I don't want you to risk this for me. I'll go alone.
No! This is gonna get you back on the force, Frank,
and we're all right behind you.
( officers agreeing )
Frank...
I wanted you to know now...
I've loved you since the first day I met you,
and I'll never stop.
I'm a very lucky woman.
So am I.
Programs! Get your programs here!
( ominous theme playing )
GOWDY: And a good afternoon to everyone.
We're coming to you live from the big A
Where the California Angels meet the Seattle Mariners
in a showdown for the division league
in this exciting American League West race.
Hello, everybody. I'm Curt Gowdy,
along with Jim Palmer, Tim McCarver,
Dick Vitale, Mel Allen,
Dick Enberg, and Dr. Joyce Brothers
inviting you to join us for this all-important ball game.
And a very special game it is, Curt.
As we all know, this game is being attended
by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth.
And I'm sure Her Majesty will enjoy this game, Jim.
We've got all the exits covered.
I ought to go down and arrest Ludwig right now.
No, Frank. Without any evidence,
we've got to let him make the first move.
Besides, the mayor, she'd have you arrested on the spot.
You've got to stay out of sight.
I've got to get that assassin before the 7th-inning stretch.
If Jane is right, it could be any one of those players.
I've got to find a way get down there
and search those players.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise and give a hearty Los Angeles welcome
to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
( organ playing "God Save the Queen" )
One moment, ma'am.
Huh?
Over there. These seats are taken.
My dear...
Is something bothering you?
Why, no. Why do you ask?
Well, you haven't said a word. You seem...nervous.
Well, you know how important
this game is for the Angels.
Why he is not here now?
I do not like being made to wait for him.
WOMAN: Mr. Pallazzo, our head usher
will be here in two minutes
to take you onto the field.
Please, just wait in here.
He should be here now! Do you understand?
Yes, sir, I'll send him right over.
I do not wait for him. He waits for me.
Yes? Mr. Pallazzo?
Si. I am the head usher.
Ah! I'm here to-- Ah! I'm here to--
Excuse me.
Mr. Pallazzo?
Yes?
I'm the head usher.
One second.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
on behalf of the California Angels
and the city of Los Angeles
on the occasion of Her Majesty's royal visit,
please welcome internationally renowned opera star
Enrico Pallazzo.
Ladies and gentlemen, let us honor America
as Mr. Pallazzo will now sing our national anthem.
( chuckles ) ( organ playing ) ( chuckles ) ( organ playing )
( singing off-key ): ♪ Oh, say can you see ♪
♪ By the dawn's early light ♪
♪ What so proudly we hailed... ♪
Frank?
♪ In the twilight's Last gleaming ♪
♪ Whose bright stripes And broad stars ♪
♪ In the perilous night ♪
♪ O'er the ramparts We watched ♪
♪ As the da, da, da Da, da, da ♪
♪ And the rockets' Red glare ♪
♪ Lots of bombs in the air ♪
♪ Gave proof Through the night ♪
♪ That we still had A flag ♪
♪ Oh, say does that Spangled banner wave ♪
♪ Over all that is free ♪ ( grunting ) ♪ Over all that is free ♪ ( grunting )
♪ In the home of the land ♪
♪ And the land of the free ♪
Get him!
Hold it!
And now as the crowd settles back down,
we'll wait for the exchange of lineups
and the start of today's ball game.
Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me...
Is this an official bat?
Well, the Queen's visit has brought a sellout crowd.
Could be a record.
While the fans are awaiting first pitch,
they're being entertained by the stadium's Angel Vision,
showing some of those unusual moments in baseball
over the years.
( all exclaiming )
JANITOR: Whoops.
Sorry, fellas.
Ha-ha-ha! How about that?
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
now taking the field-- Your California Angels.
( crowd cheering )
For the safety of the players and yourself,
we ask that you do not throw any objects
in the stands or on the field.
We thank you for your cooperation.
( spits )
So as the Angels take the field,
we're about ready for the first-pitch ceremony
with the Queen of England
ready to toss out the first ball.
( crowd cheers )
ANNOUNCER: How about that queen, ladies and gentlemen?
Let's have a nice round of applause.
We're ready for the start of today's ball game.
And I'm sure that group of lovely ladies would agree.
Well, they ought to. Those are the players' wives.
On hand to enjoy the game with us today.
The umpires for today's game--
At first base, Louis Metz.
Second base, Dan Zowan.
Third base, Bob Boone. What do you say, Cummings?
Are we going to do this today? Do what? Oh.
Uh, play ball!
( crowd cheers )
Frank?
Al, it's Frank.
And this game's under way.
Dave Spiwack ready to face Jay Johnstone.
( spits )
Nothing to report so far, chief.
Don't worry, Al.
If one of those players is the killer,
Frank is going to find him,
even if he has to search every one of them.
ANNOUNCER: Jay Johnstone! Johnstone.
Good luck, pal. Are you all right?
Let's see if that uniform's on straight.
Looking good back here.
Let's see now, the shirt.
Well, you should take a large, I bet.
Little tight in the crotch.
Doesn't swing. All right.
All set?
Okay. Play ball.
Batter up.
Strike?
( crowd cheering )
Strike one!
Strike 2!
( crowd cheering )
Strike 3!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Ooh!
Whee!
Hey!
( Randy Newman's "I Love L.A." playing )
♪ Rolling down ♪
Strike!
♪ A big, nasty redhead At my side ♪
♪ Santa Ana winds Blowing hot from the north ♪
♪ We was born to ride... ♪
You're clean.
♪ Put down the top ♪
♪ Crank up The Beach Boys, baby... ♪
You're out!
♪ We're gonna ride it ♪
♪ Till we just can't Ride it no more ♪
♪ From the South Bay To the Valley ♪
♪ From the west side To the east side ♪
♪ Everybody's very happy ♪
♪ 'Cause the sun Is shinin' all the time ♪
♪ Looks like Another perfect day ♪
♪ I love L.A. ♪
♪ We love it ♪
♪ Look at that mountain ♪
♪ Look at those trees ♪
♪ Look at that bum Over there, man ♪
♪ He's down on his knees ♪
♪ Look at these women ♪
♪ Ain't nothin' like them Nowhere ♪
♪ Century Boulevard ♪
♪ We love it ♪
♪ Victory Boulevard ♪
♪ We love it ♪
♪ Santa Monica Boulevard ♪
♪ We love it ♪
♪ 6th Street ♪
♪ We love it, we love it We love it ♪
♪ We love L.A. ♪
♪ I love L.A. ♪
♪ We love it! ♪
Have you found him yet?
No, and I've searched almost everybody.
Yeah, I saw that.
There's only one more out before
the 7th-inning stretch, Frank.
I'm gonna have my men on the alert
but you're gonna have to stall them.
Don't let them get that third out.
Right, Ed.
ANNOUNCER: The mariner shortstop--
Number 4, Armando Crishonee.
Crishonee.
Ball.
Ball?
( crowd booing )
Ball.
( crowd booing )
What in the world? Get out!
Catch it! Catch it!
Aah!
Fair ball! Go! Go! Go!
He's going home!
Block the plate!
Safe.
Safe! What do you mean?!
I don't believe it!
( crowd booing )
Hey, second base! Hop to!
There's the throw by the catcher.
They've got Crishonee hung up
between first and second.
What the do you think you're doing?
What?!
Hey, you're not supposed to do that.
Hey, wait a minute! Stop that right now!
Give me that ball! You hear me?
I'll get you!
I know this is hard to believe,
but apparently the umpires
have got Crishonee in a rundown.
Safe! Safe? Safe! Safe?
How about that?
He was out!
Safe! Out!
He was safe!
He was out! Safe!
Now there's a sight I've never seen.
Safe! Safe! Safe! Out! Out! Out!
Safe! Safe! Safe! What are you doing? Safe! Safe! Safe! What are you doing?
( umpires continue arguing )
Out! He was safe!
He never tagged him with the ball!
You idiot, he was out when he ran out of the baseline!
All right, I've had enough! You're out of here!
What do you mean?!
You can't throw an umpire out of the game!
All right! You're out of here!
Hey! Hold it a minute.
Even the guy running the scoreboard up there
says he was out.
He's way up on the mezzanine!
Oh, my God. It's the third out.
( beeps )
( beeping )
( ominous theme playing )
I must kill...
the Queen.
I must kill...
the Queen.
JANE: Frank!
Frank, it's the right fielder!
You're the blindest umpire I've ever seen!
What's the matter with you?
Whoa. You're the boss.
He was safe. You're right.
Now we're going to take you for a little walk.
To think I respected you.
How could you do something so vicious?
It was easy, my dear.
You forget, I spent two years as a building contractor.
Now let's go... quietly.
Aha!
Come on, let's get him! Reggie, man!
Get the ump!
Hold it!
( all chattering )
MAN: Kick him in the balls!
PLAYER: Aah! My foot!
I must kill...
the Queen. ( gasps )
Whoops.
FAN 1: Look!
FAN 2: Where? FAN 3: Up there!
( screaming )
Watch out!
( groaning )
The umpire--
He saved the Queen's life.
That's not the umpire, Your Honor.
Hey, it's Enrico Pallazzo!
( crowd cheering )
( chanting ): Enrico Pallazzo!
Enrico Pallazzo!
Drebin.
Frank! Frank!
Frank! Frank! Help!
Frank! Frank!
Help! Frank!
Hold it, Ludwig! JANE: Frank.
Stay where you are, Drebin.
He's got a gun.
I know.
You ruined my life, Drebin.
Now I'm going to ruin yours.
Leave the girl alone.
I am. I'm going to kill you.
I see.
( coin clinks in payphone )
Two can play at that game.
Aah!
You killed him.
No, no. He's just stunned.
He'll be all right in a couple of minutes.
( groans )
( screaming )
( Ludwig thuds )
Well.
( thumping )
( squelches )
( band playing "Louie, Louie" )
Oh, Frank...
It's horrible.
That's so horrible.
I know, Ed.
My father went the same way.
( beeps )
( beeping )
( ominous theme playing )
I must kill...
Frank Drebin.
I must kill...
Frank Drebin.
No, no! Don't shoot!
Jane...
It's me...
Funny face.
JANE: I must kill Frank Drebin.
Hey, look! Up there!
FRANK: But you love Frank Drebin...
And Frank Drebin loves you.
Jane, listen to me, if you don't love me,
then you might as well pull that trigger because...
Without you,
I wouldn't want to live, anyway.
I finally found someone I can love--
Good, clean love...
Without utensils.
I must kill Frank Drebin.
It's a topsy-turvy world, Jane.
And maybe the problems of two people
don't amount to a hill of beans, but...
This is our hill,
and these are our beans.
Jane, since I've met you,
I noticed things I never knew were there before--
Birds singing,
dew glistening on a newly formed leaf,
stoplights...
I must kill--
Jane... This morning...
I bought something for you.
It's not very much...
But pretty good
for an honest policeman's salary.
It's an engagement ring.
I would have given it to you earlier, but...
I wanted to wait until we were alone.
I...
I love you, Jane.
Oh, Frank.
( tender theme playing )
( sniffling )
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you yesterday.
I really am.
Drebin, I was wrong about you.
This city,
and I guess the whole world,
owes you a debt of gratitude. Thank you, mayor. owes you a debt of gratitude. Thank you, mayor.
And Monday morning, we want you back at police squad,
with a promotion to captain, of course.
Mayor-- But don't thank me.
There's someone else here who wants to thank you.
Nordberg!
Hiya, buddy.
Doc says I should be on my feet
and as good as new in a week.
And back on the force. Nordberg, that's wonderful! And back on the force. Nordberg, that's wonderful!
Whoa! Oh, Frank...
Everyone should have a friend like you.
Whoa!
( Nordberg thuds )
( Herman's Hermits' "I'm into Something Good" playing )
♪ Woke up this morning Feelin' fine ♪
♪ Had something special On my mind ♪
♪ Last night, I met a new girl In the neighborhood ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ She's the kind of girl Who's not too shy ♪
♪ And I can tell I'm her kind of guy ♪
♪ 'Cause she danced Close to me ♪
♪ Like I hoped she would ♪ ♪ She danced with me ♪ ♪ Like I hoped she would ♪ ♪ She danced with me ♪
♪ Like I hoped she would ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ We only danced For a minute or two ♪
♪ And then she stuck close To me the whole night through ♪
♪ Can I be the one in love? ♪
♪ She's everything I've been dreaming of ♪
♪ I walked her home And she held my hand ♪
♪ I knew it wouldn't be Just a one-night stand ♪
♪ So I asked To see her next week ♪
♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ I asked to see her ♪
♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ I walked her home And she held my hand ♪
♪ I knew it wouldn't be Just a one-night stand ♪
♪ So I asked To see her next week ♪
♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ I asked to see her ♪
♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ I walked her home And she held my hand ♪
♪ I knew it wouldn't be Just a one-night stand ♪
♪ So I asked To see her next week ♪
♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ I asked to see her ♪ ♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ I asked to see her ♪
♪ And she told me I could ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something tells me I'm into something ♪
♪ I'm into something good ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Something good ♪ ♪ Something tells me ♪
♪ I'm into something good ♪
♪ Something good ♪
♪ Something-- ♪
( dramatic theme plays )